I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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