I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
