I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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