I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
