Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there was a trapeze. enough said
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
