Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
