I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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