And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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