I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
