do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
