I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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