this boner is exhausting
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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