that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You made out with two different species that night
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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