My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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