maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
