my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
