i need an iv and a liver transplant
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
