My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
