i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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