I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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