You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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