she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
