It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
