So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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