Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
