So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
