Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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