Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
She announced her abortion via fbk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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