My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
