I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
