mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
