Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
