Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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