is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
