did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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