I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
