i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And the cops told us we were all naked.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
