it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
