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i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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