I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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