I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
