Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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