I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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