I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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