if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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