I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My ATM looks so different sober.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
