i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
