Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize