she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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