I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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