Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
