don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We're too hungover to prance.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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