Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
