i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
