I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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