R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
