I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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