you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
