I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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