Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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